There is No Need to Wash Your Hands After You Piss

I’m tired of living a lie. I’m tired of pretending to wash my hands after I piss just because my coworker happens to be in the bathroom at the same time. And I know I’m not alone in this. Just the other day, Nick Turani and I made eye contact in the men’s room, both of us post-piss, and he asked, “We’re not washing our hands, right?” I looked him dead in the eye and replied, “No chance.”

Listen, I’m all for cleanliness and basic hygiene, but washing your hands after you take a piss is the least of my concerns. For most men, it’s entirely possible to walk into a restroom, handle your business, and walk out without touching anything but your waistband. So why, exactly, am I being pressured by society to wash my hands after I lower my waistband for five seconds? And even if I do have to aim, let’s be honest—it’s my dick. It’s clean. It’s literally hanging outside my body, untouched by any outside contaminants.

Now, let me be clear: washing your hands after taking a shit is absolutely non-negotiable. If you skip that step, you are a menace to society and beyond redemption. But pissing? Pissing is a different story. Draining the main vein doesn’t warrant the same level of sanitation scrutiny. Which is why I was absolutely dumbfounded when some guy at the bar decided to confront me over it. He saw me leave the restroom, called me out in front of a group of women, and said, “Damn, Smokes, you don’t wash your hands after you piss?”

Bro, are you serious? How are you going to embarrass me like that? I didn’t even know this guy, and suddenly he’s turning my post-piss behavior into a public spectacle. Thank God the girls didn’t care, or my entire night would have been ruined. But imagine if they had—I would’ve been socially crucified over something as trivial as hand-washing after a piss.

Here’s the point I’m trying to make: whether you wash your hands after you piss or not, you are not morally superior to the other party. We all need to stop pretending this is some kind of ethical battleground. Let people live their lives in peace. If you want to rinse your hands after you pee, go ahead—be my guest. And if you choose to skip the sink, more power to you. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to navigate life’s smallest inconveniences without judgment. So let’s stop making mountains out of molehills and agree to let this one slide.